Hi, I'm Ken. I don't actually like dogs.

I liked my dog. But, I only got her after baby Ken had his Joker moment getting chased up and dragged down a flight of stairs by a shelter pit that should have been rehomed to Jesus three placements ago.

I hated dogs. I was afraid of tiny dogs being in the same room as me. It didn't help, that I just moved to a wealthy suburb where the top breed was "corners you on top of a Mercedes until you throw your shoes at it." I was, completely, totally, convinced, that not a single dog on the planet would keep four feet on the ground and their teeth off me. It had to be an inherent problem to dogs.

This story has a semi-happy ending. My hardass, aloof, cinderblock of a prey-driven akita taught me that not all dogs are like that.

Dogs can be respectful, if you listen to them. My akita was my exposure therapy, she helped me learn the fundamentals of dog behavior and training and what makes dogs tick and what makes them bite. I can be in the same zipcode as a golden retriever again.

My late akita, however, sent me spiralling into a second villain arc.

If teenage delinquent Ken could get an akita to be a functioning member of society, nobody else has an excuse.

LET'S START BITING, GANG

Dogs, unlike wild animals (which we make fun of all the time), are one of the first species we've ever domesticated. We picked, and bred, these fuckers, over thousands of years, to be the most optimal possible coworkers, roommates, and just straight up lap warmers for the human race. This is as close to home as we can get.

So why do they suck so bad, so often?

There's a lot of reasons. Backyard breeding, puppy mills, reckless shelter adoptions, and bleeding heart animal lovers getting in over their heads.

And, of course, good old anthropomorphic mindsets mean a lot of us naked bipedal bastards project our own feelings onto our dogs. Mochi the double merle pomsky doesn't want a steak and quail egg dinner and CBD massage for TikTok. He wants two walks a day and to be fed on a schedule so he doesn't eat a door.

My 8-year journey with my American akita taught me a lot about dogs and dog ownership. Good, bad, and ugly. And, like CRITTER CRIMES, I have to tie some real grievances into this project. Handling a top 10 bite fatality breed has taught me something very important. Vets, dog trainers, rescues, and responsible dog breeders are fighting a losing battle against an increasingly dangerous and neglectful ownership culture fueled by social media and misguided modern ideas of what loving a pet means for the pet.

We can do better. When it all boils down, some of the most iconic dog breeds are wicked smart, capable workers, and they're made to do good. And, behind every problematic breed is a very stupid, very ignorant owner who didn't do their homework.

But, dogs are always more charismatic than people.

So. We have one option. Let's take the piss out of the dogs at their worst, their most unsupervised and most devious, and let's put it on an enamel pin.

You know the drill by now, HUSTLE frequent fliers... we reward recidivism here. If you've backed BIRD CRIMES, GOLDEN AGE PARROTS, CRITTER CRIMES, or CHALLENGE COIN CRITTERS, you've got a special treat waiting for you in your cell once you're printed and pinstriped.

Returning backers can back ANY physical tier and claim a FREE 1.75" WITNESS INTIMIDATION AKITA pin. This pin will automatically be added to your pledge.

First time on a HUSTLE heist? No problem - the akita pin is also a standard design, and you can pick him as an option on any 1.75" CRIMES pin.

Back 3 or more DOGGUST projects, get a free 1" SLEEP PARALYSIS AKITA pin. This is a dyed enamel pin, and a shoutout to my wonderful, horrible, demonic late akita and her tendency to jumpscare people at 3 AM. Look at those beady glowing eyes. Aww. Adorable.

Just here for the HUSTLE? These are available as survey addons.

At $4.5k, all backers will get a 4" DOG CRIMES sticker sheet added to their pledge.

This is a 4" weatherproof vinyl sticker sheet featuring dogs caught in the act. There are 10 stickers, perfect for defacing water bottles, hard-edged electronics, or that homebrewed 3DS you spent way too much money on to escape subscription technology.

You can grab extra DOG CRIMES 4" sheets for $4 as addons, as well.

Miss out on the last 2 CRIMES campaigns? Get shafted by CRITTER CRIMES' high flaw rate on that one pin you wanted? Let's make this work, for both of us!

Backers can grab the majority of BIRD CRIMES and CRITTER CRIMES pins and stickers at campaign rates. Add some avian offenders and non-canine critters to your rap sheet. You'll get a greater gallery of felons, and I'll get the chance to remake some long-missing menaces.

This means I can restock the FOX, DEER, ALLIGATOR, and DRAGON pins from CRITTER CRIMES. The dragon, especially, needs a facelift - it had a major artwork defect on the first run.

REPEAT OFFENDERS excludes these designs:

CRIMES pins are 1.75" black nickel plated hard enamels. They're a wearable size, with two posts to keep them secure wherever they're loitering.

CRIMES are hard enamel pins, meaning they are machine polished to a flush, shiny finish. This is the standard for modern collectors, so they'll fit right in with other contemporary enamel work. To replicate the classic, nostalgic look of awkward mugshots of days gone, they use sepia-colored fills. With warm, sleek grays, they fit any outfit, pin board, or itabag.

Each pin has screen-printed text, so even at a small size, they are readable gags as much as they are wearable art. High-quality screenprint should last years even with regular wear, and even rubbing against the plastic front of a display bag or seeing daily use, it will hold strong.

DOG CRIMES fit the same dimensions and palette as the previous BIRD CRIMES and CRITTER CRIMES pins. They're a full, collectible set - crime doesn't discriminate, and you can mix and match as you like!

There are 3 base goal pins for DOG CRIMES.

All 3 of these pooch pins are available at the base $2k funding goal.

Thanks to backers like you, we have 2 SPONSORED DESIGNS. The EMBEZZLEMENT AUSSIE and RESISTING ARREST SHAR PEI are options for pins or stickers!

STRETCH GOALS will be unlocked as funding pushes above and beyond our goal.

As stretch goals unlock, so will bundle options for pins! Bundles offer a discount for the more pins you buy. Buy a set three-pack of our original three criminals, or mix-and-match two, five, or six!

A baker's dozen bulk option will be available as more pins unlock. 

All CRIMES pins from the past two campaigns (with some unpopular design exclusions) will be available as part of bundle deals.

Shipping will be calculated and collected after the campaign through the Pledge Manager.

Large orders' price increase is because I need to use bigger mailers.

I CANNOT SHIP TO: Russia, Israel or the UK.

If you reside in these territories and pledge, I CANNOT fulfill your rewards. Your pledge is considered a donation to fund the campaign and will not be refunded.

Please read my legal name and returned package policy here.

Keep in mind - all timelines are estimates, and production issues, tariffs, or global shipping concerns could delay these dates.

I try to keep my backers updated every 2 weeks, at the very least. HUSTLE veterans know I sometimes share way too much about the production and shipping process, and, frankly, I would never do it any different. You all MUST know about how the FedEx guy screwed up my boxes this time, it's part of the fun.